Throughout the course of our marriage, we have discussed adoption. It was a topic that we discussed before getting engaged then revisited during our premarital counseling. As we struggled with infertility, it was something we mentioned time and time again.
Many of you know and have shared in our infertility struggle. When our miscarriage happened last year, I really struggled with why it happened. Now, with adoption so heavy on my heart, I realize that had we not lost our child, we may never have opened our hearts to the possibility of adoption. God has really worked in our lives and opened doors for us that we never expected, like the ability for me to work from home... He has been so good and so faithful to us.
Today is the date you were due to arrive on earth... I simply can't stop thinking about you and what might have been. But instead, you were born into heaven and even though my heart breaks at the thought of going through life without you, I know you wait for me.
The days after my miscarriage had been confirmed, I felt empty, numb, angry, heartbroken and confused… I went through the motions of walking and showering without even knowing what I was doing. I couldn’t make decisions, I could barely eat. You see, it was Mother’s Day..
Two days after finding out I was expecting our first child after 15 months of infertility, my husband and I excitedly toured Target looking at baby things as I carried the sweetest little stuffed dog in my arms. It was baby’s first gift from us and I couldn’t wait to get it home. Earlier that morning I had stopped at the urgent care clinic beneath my ob/gyn’s office for a second round of HCG level bloodwork.
God however, had another plan. He began using two co-workers I had at the time to really convince me that children were a blessing and I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent. My heart began to soften. I began feeling like we had a good foundation. We had a strong marriage, good jobs, we bought a house and had a wonderful support system in our parents and family. I finally began feeling ready.
Early in April, we decided that was going to be the end of fertility medicine and began talking about adoption. At the end of the month, at what I felt was perfect timing, we were delighted and a little shocked to find out I was finally expecting. I surprised my husband with a special gift one evening to break the news and we excitedly made plans to tell our families.