The days after my miscarriage had been confirmed, I felt empty, numb, angry, heartbroken and confused… I went through the motions of walking and showering without even knowing what I was doing. I couldn’t make decisions, I could barely eat.
You see, it was Mother’s Day. Even though my husband was scheduled to work, he’d called out that morning and decided I need to get out of the house. He drove me to the mountains and we visited the National Park. I drug myself around behind him, seeing the sights but not feeling anything. When we stopped for lunch at a restaurant, they were handing out flowers to all the moms who came in. As we sat at our table, I watched woman after woman walk by with either a flower, a small child, or an infant. Anxiety welled up inside me and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry. I begged my husband to take me home.
The following days I questioned everything.
I questioned if God was trying to make us realize we’d never have a biological family.
I questioned if we were even meant to have a family.
I questioned if I would ever be able to carry a healthy child to term.
I questioned why I even had to get pregnant in the first place.
I questioned what I had done to deserve this.
I questioned if I had caused the miscarriage by lifting something too heavy or not resting enough.
I questioned if our child would have been healthy if carried to term.
I questioned if our chemical makeup had caused this and it if would happen again.
I questioned how long it would be before I could get pregnant again.
I questioned why it had to take five extra days for the doctors to confirm what I thought I already knew.
I was so confused, so hurt… and that made me angry. Angry with God for allowing it and angry that I could do nothing to change what had happened or how I was feeling.
If you’re going through this yourself, please know these two things.
1. These questions are normal. Since my experience, I’ve talked with many other women who’ve opened up to me about their own miscarriages. We all questioned the very same things. You’re not alone, my friend. Something that helped me was to put pen to paper. To write down my questions, confusion and fears. Somehow, just letting the words out of my heart helped.
Please know that you did nothing wrong. This was NOT your fault. Miscarriages, unfortunately, do happen. They’re not something that is talked about or shared openly. Just because you’ve experienced a miscarriage, doesn’t mean you will again. Many of my friends who have suffered this tragedy a time or two have multiple healthy children.
2. It is ok to tell God you’re angry. In fact, this helped me so immensely, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to do this. I found myself curled up in a ball in a corner of our bedroom sobbing, just 24 hours after my miscarriage was confirmed. I cried, in less than well formed words, “God, why did You let this happen? Why me? I am so angry with You! I’m so hurt. I trusted You and begged You to keep my baby safe. You let me down.” In that moment, I have never felt God so near. His presence was so clear, I could almost feel Him. I fully believe that the act of taking my anger to Him, in turn allowed Him to strengthen me and grant me the peace I needed at that very moment..
God desires that we be open and honest with Him and lay our burdens at His feet. (1. Peter 5:7)
God is an all knowing God and He understands our pain. After all, he sacrificed His child, for us. (John 3:16)
God’s ways are not our own. Our thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8).
God does have a plan for us, even though it is hard to believe at this moment. (Jeremiah 29:11)
The important thing to remember as you’re going through this period of confusion, anger and hurt is that God does love you. He has not abandoned You. He has a plan for you. He wants you to seek Him and He will give you peace.
Some things I learned in those first few days of grieving for our lost child is that my sorrow will be turned into joy (Jeremiah 31:13), and my grief is only for a moment because His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23). He is good, faithful and just. I've found so much comfort in Him, knowing that our little one is safe in His arms and one day, we will be reunited (II Samuel 12:23). Each day gets a little easier, my friend, I promise. Just seek God and rest in His Word.