I've started this post 7 different times... It's not easy, but I really feel led to share because as I endured this heartbreaking time in my life just a few short weeks ago, I read countless stories by other brave women who encouraged me and allowed me to hope once again.
At the end of April 2016, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child after nearly a year and a half of prayers and trying to start a family. We've been through months of dr. visits, a PCOS diagnosis, and fertility drugs... We trusted God had a plan though, and we clung to His promises, knowing He wouldn't give us the desire for a family without fulfilling it.
Early in April, we decided that was going to be the end of fertility medicine and began talking about adoption. At the end of the month, at what I felt was perfect timing, we were delighted and a little shocked to find out I was finally expecting. I surprised my husband with a special gift one evening to break the news and we excitedly made plans to tell our families.
Our joy was very short lived. I lost the baby at almost six weeks pregnant. The following week was a very difficult, long one because my doctor thought I was still pregnant due to increasing numbers. Everyone around us tried to keep us hopeful. When the numbers dropped and reality sunk in, we were devastated. I was heartbroken, empty and numb. Talk about going from your highest point in life to the very pit of sorrow in a matter of moments. I was so angry with God for what I felt was like a cruel joke. How could He let this happen? I wished I'd never even gotten pregnant in the first place. I struggled with the "why" of the entire situation and lacked any type of closure due to repeated dr. visits and bleeding which only reinforced the idea that our first child, our precious little baby we wanted and loved so much already, was gone. I endured Mother's Day two days after receiving the news and sobbed simple, grievous prayers to God - begging to understand and becoming increasingly fearful of yet another long, sorrowful road ahead. I was afraid God's answer to our prayers was no, not now. Not ever.
Today, I share this because in my simple faith, through heart cries that didn't even become words, God has quieted my anger, comforted me in my sorrow, and dared me to hope in Him again. After a simple Google search of "Bible Verses for Miscarriage" I found one beautiful article that spoke wonders into my soul. I've read it so many times now I've lost count. The article encouraged readers to focus on God, rather than on the situation. It reminded me that my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8), my sorrow will be turned into joy (Jeremiah 31:13), and my grief is only for a moment because His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23). I wasn't betrayed by God (Deuteronomy 31:8), instead He drew closer because I sought Him. He is good, faithful and just. I've found so much comfort in Him, in knowing He has a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11) and knowing that our little one is safe in His arms and one day, we will be reunited (II Samuel 12:22-23). Each day gets a little easier.
Our child had a life, even if it wasn't outside the womb... Our child was loved, our child will be celebrated and our child will not be forgotten. To all the moms out there who have little ones, cherish them dearly, hold them closely. To all the moms who have lost children, God is near, just seek him and never lose sight of His amazing promises. And to the the women who yearn to be mothers, God hears your cries, He knows your thoughts, and He gives new mercies for each passing day.
I plan to continue sharing on this subject in a series that will be published here in my blog. It is my hope that my story will strengthen you as you follow your own path and that you may find comfort in knowing you're not alone. Many hugs and lots of prayers for each one of you who walks this road with me.